Christmas Without Them

This was the first Christmas without my parents. When one is gone...it is hard, really hard, but when the second one passes it is worse. When one goes, you still have your other parent which seems to keep the memory of the first one alive. Part of them is still with you. When they are both gone, you tend to mourn the first one all over again. It is difficult. Even though I am 41 with my own family, I can't help feeling like an orphan. I think the enemy likes to put those thoughts in your mind. He want us to feel sorry for ourselves. When I get those thoughts, I try to remind myself that I am NOT an orphan. I had parents for a long time and now that they are gone, I still have a Father...my heavenly Father. When you have a relationship with God, it is a bit easier to think this way and it brings comfort. I feel bad for those who don't have that comfort or hope. I can't imagine how much more painful it is. What are the chances that both of my parents would get cancer and just a few years apart at such young ages? I can sit and feel sorry for myself, but I choose not too. Choose...choice...that is the key word. I had to make that choice. There are worse scenarios. I hear of little children who lose their parents at a young age, or those who were orphans from the start.  Or what about those kids who leave their parents because they have childhood cancer or something. I can't even imagine how painful that must be!  I had my father for 37 years and my mom 40+. Who am I to complain? We all have our issues and tragedies to overcome. I look at my friends...some have MAJOR financial issues that they just can't seem to get ahead. Some of my friends have marital issues and are hanging on by a thread or have thrown in the towel. Some of my friends have major addictions. My family has had our fair share of health issues. From my parents, to my daughter's health issues...it seems to never end. I have been dealing with some health issues myself. We all have stuff. I can choose to let it define me or depress me or I can choose to move forward with a positive attitude. Sometimes ( I know it sounds crazy), but I yell to the sky... "Ok.bring it!! What more can you do to me?? I am still here and still happy!" Yes, I have my moments...BELIEVE ME. I sometimes wonder if my positive perseverance is due to my personality, or my relationship with God, or my awesome support system of family and friends or all of that combined. This Christmas was hard. My mom and dad loved Christmas. My mom loved giving gifts year round. My father, loved playing with our toys or the grandkid's toys. My dad loved keeping Santa real and he would do creative things to make Santa real to us. I missed seeing them on Christmas, or just hearing their voices on the phone or getting a card or present in the mail from my mom. I tried not to allow myself to focus on what I missed. A thought that made me happy was thinking about what my parents might be experiencing. I believe they are in Heaven and if that is the case, their Christmas celebration must have been AMAZING! They got to see the man who was the baby we all celebrate. They are able to touch him, hug him, talk to him, and worship him with all five senses. That would pale in comparison to our Christmas celebration here for sure! Those thoughts make me happy and keep me going during a time of year where lose is so evident when you have experienced it. 

 " He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4 

Cancer, Cancer and more Cancer

It has been so long since I have posted on this blog. A recent creative writing class I am taking as part of my Fashion Design BFA has inspired me to write a bit here. My mom used to always say things happen in threes. I wished that wasn't true. My father in law died of unexpected and quick colon cancer in late 2009. He was young...way too young. 59 to be exact. 6 months later my father died of salivary gland cancer that he tried to fight for three years. Well, we didn't have much relief from the demon that is cancer. In late 2012 my mother got diagnosed with brain cancer and not just brain cancer but THE WORST FORM of brain cancer. In fact it is so bad that I found a doctors article on Glioblastoma and he stated it was a death sentence. Mom fought for a little over a year. In fact, she fought so much that she became bed bound Nov. 2013 until she pasted a week before this last Mother's Day, May 2014. Crazy huh? How much tragedy and death and cancer can one family take??? I might add that during my father's fight with cancer his father died and my mom's mom died and my mom's dad committed suicide. Nice. Yes I am a bit bitter, in a sense. Yes, it is not fair. On top of all this, my oldest has Spina Bifida. In fact before my mom passed, my daughter was hospitalized. (thanks for letting me rant) Well...I was angry. I may still be a bit angry. It was not fair. Life is not fair. As a Christian, I know God never promised us life would be fair, but I wish He would have. I try not to feel sorry for myself, but sometimes it creeps in. Sometimes I can't help to think that my 7 and 9 year old will never know their grandpas and my mom, their Tutu. Sometimes it kills me when my kids say they don't have a grandpa. I feel sorry for my children having to go through so many funerals at such a young age, especially my daughter who went through all that on top of dealing with her own issues with her special need. Although my relationship was not the best growing up with my mom and dad, as an adult it was better. I sometimes hear a little voice in my head (not like I am crazy) that says:"you are an orphan now." I try not to listen to this voice. As a Christian, I know this voice is not from God. Since as a Christian, I know God is my father. However, knowing and truly living this...is a bit hard when you lose your parents. When I do feel sorry for myself, then I quickly feel guilty for that. I mean...I had my parents into my 30s, some kid lose their parents at 15 or 8 or 4...some never meet their parents. I am so blessed in that regard. I am trying to still cope with all this...especially now that it is close to the holidays. I am not coping perfectly, but I am able to laugh again and smile. Most of the time I try to push it into the corners of my mind. I am going to counseling...although, maybe having a close good friend to talk to might do the same thing as a counselor, to be honest. God is good...still. I have to believe that. I WANT to believe that. I NEED to believe that. It is hard for me to think this life is the end and I will never see my parents again. That is really depressing. That is not a mind set I want to live in or even give energy too. I will see them again. So, if you remember, say a prayer for me, for us, my family. We have been through the ringer, but we are still going...and smiling.

Surviving....A Mom's Struggles and Victories: Moms of Special Needs

Surviving....A Mom's Struggles and Victories: Moms of Special Needs: Special Needs Mommy Guilt Nicolette Blount Mommy guilt is something we all face, but sometimes the mommy guilt for a Mom with a c...

New Blog Community for Special Needs!

I know...I have neglected this blog something HORRIBLE!!!  Life has been crazy.  We moved to MA.  My kids are starting school.  My Children's one of a kind Boutique on Etsy is over running with orders I need to fill.  Now that my kids are back in school (They have been home since MAY!!!), I will have more time to devote to this, and other things.  Now that I am not seeing a counselor...THIS will be my outlet.  :)  Healthy right?
*                     *                         *                          *                         *                              *

I recently started using theblogfrog.com Heard of it?  It is a great site where you can join community of bloggers of tons of different things.  I started a community on there called Hope Floats.  It is a community of Moms with special needs kids.  A safe place for us to share, vent, talk, get support, and make friends.  My daughter, having Spina Bifida, has inspired me to start this community.  If you blog and have a child with a special need...ANY kind please check us out. We would love for you to join!  You can go here: http://theblogfrog.com/1505626 or you can click on the frogblog button on the right side of my blog and it will take you there. 

Oh Father...

When my father died in April, I took care of everything.  I am the oldest.  I needed to be strong.  In fact, when my father died...they called ME first...not my mom, not my brother (six years my junior)....me.   He passed in Southern California.  I live in GA.  I made all the calls to my mom, my brother, my father's brothers, my father's friends, everyone.  My mom has some issues in addition to being in grief.  So, I flew to CA and shopped for morturaries alone.  I shopped for caskets...alone.  I planned the funeral....alone.  All this I did with not much emotion.  I was on autopilot.  Get it done.  I sang at my father's funeral and did not shed a tear...who does that????  

My father and I had a 50/50 relationship I will call it.  Half of my life was not good.  The other half (once I got married and moved out) was great.   We became best friends.  It is the before that haunts me.  I feel robbed that I didn't have my dad for 36 years of my life...only 15.  My father was funny, very intelligent, silly at times and always there when you really needed him.  The other side of my dad was the darker side.  He had a horrible temper that came out on me on occasion.  He was depressed (I believe, undiagnosed).  He had a low self image and he did not know what to do with a lil girl.  As a child, my affections were considered yucky and I was pushed away...in a funny way...but I was pushed away.  Unfortunately for my dad, I was a lot like him,.  That meant I didn't let him bully me around.  I fought back and stood up for myself, but eventually he would win.  He always did...after all he was 6'4'' and 200+++ pounds.  I look back and think...why didn't he pick on someone his own size???  One thing I must say for my dad though...he always said he was sorry.  I believe he meant it.

As a teenager, I remember locking myself in the bathroom to get away from him and crying and sobbing wishing he would die.  Other times, he would make me laugh so hard, I would pee my pants.  When he got a rare form of cancer, we were best friends.  I thought...God, I begged you to take him away when I was young...but I didn't mean it.   He had changed over the years, softened.  I loved my dad....faults and all.  I had a better heavenly father who taught me how to forgive.  I did.  I forgave him when I got married.  Our relationship changed for the better.

As messed up as our parents can be...they are human.  I can see that my dad's dad treated him hard.  He was not around a lot cause he was away in the war.  It is not an excuse for what my Dad did...but through grace and understanding I can forgive him.  I am so glad I did.  The last days we had together I wouldn't trade for the world. Just think what would have happened if I didn't forgive and he passed.  Sometimes you have to swallow your pride, let God change your heart, in order to fix relationships.  Sometimes you have to be the bigger person, because for whatever reason your parent is not able too.   Let me encourage you to pick up the phone or knock on the door of that relative you are mad at or can't forgive.  Just tell them you love them and miss them.  Don't hash out the past.  Forgive and move on.  Life is too too short and precious to hold a grudge.  Do it before it is too late to tell them.  We could all be dead in a second. Blessings!

Discipline 101

I taught Pre K for 8 years...way before I had kids.  I was a really good Pre-K teacher.  I am not trying to toot my own horn, so to speak, but it is true.  I gave my ALL to teaching.  I put so much extra time into those kids...including my own money.  I loved all of them.  To this day...many are in college or high school and they still remember me!! Do you know how I know???  They are friends on my facebook.  lol  I was the Assistant Director at my school too.  I was the crazy, fun, creative teacher.  I decorated our room and painted murals to make it look like a Rainforest.  BUT  I could lay down the law, when I needed to.  So much so that teachers from the other ages and classrooms would send their kids to me, when they wouldn't listen to them.  I still have not figured out if it was because they respected me enough...cause we had so much fun that they listened to me....or if I just had that "look" down pat.  I had many kids that had been kicked out of tons of schools and then they came to my class.  At the end of the year, their parents were thanking me over and over for what I had done. 

When I became a parent I thought...this will be easy.  I mastered this as a teacher.  I have this down!  As a teacher, I rarely raised my voice, talked to the children at their eye level, always followed through, gave children choices in their discipline and still had fun with them.  So, child #1 came: Gwyneth.  I was not prepared for all her physical issues, but she was so smart and such a lovey.  She was an old soul.  She understood so much at such a young age.  She was talking..like big words at 9 months.  It was easy to talk to her and reason with her.  I had very little discipline problems with her.  I held to my word of only spanking when she ran into the street...or hurt me (like the day she slapped me in the face around 1...that never happened again).  I thought..."so much for the mommy curse my mom gave me."  I am sure you all know what that curse is...you know the one.."I hope your kids are worse than you were!"

Then came child #2: Logan.  WOW!  I don't know if it was because I was getting older or maybe the "mommy curse" finally kicked in, but she was difficult.  Even as an infant...she was a baby with an attitude.  In utero...she was VERY active.  She pooped in her amniotic fluid even, probably cause she was mad.  As an infant she would get so mad that I was not making enough milk.  My nipples were so bloody.  The lactation consultant and nurses would say...yes she is latched on right.  She would get so mad at me.  She wanted nothing to do with my milk at 3 1/2 months.  She said ENOUGH!  I couldn't starve her, so formula to the rescue.  I noticed early on she would get very mad, very easily.  She loved attention and was always looking for people to look at her, even as an infant, but she could turn it on and off like a faucet.  She was either really pissed off or super happy.  She was not nearly as even keel as Gwyneth was.  She even was picky about when she wanted to be loved on or not.  She would push you away, if not in the mood. 

Another thing I noticed about Logan was her fierce determination and resolve.  When she decided to do something, she did it.  Instantly.  She crawled at 9 months and was done with that at 10 months, so she decided to start walking.  It was like she was saying...ok mastered that...next.  Gwyneth loved crawling...she was very good at it and she was more like...if it isn't broke, why fix it?  So, she didn't walk until 15 months.  I was worried because Logan did not speak as early as Gwyn.  Then the day she turned 2 she went from speaking very few words to sentences all in one big leap..in one day really.  Potty training was so simple with her too.  Took us one weekend...we didn't even need to reward her like we did Gwyn.  Logan was not much into stickers or prizes...she loved those things...but she was either going to do it or not.  Those things would not change her mind.  She just decided to do it one day...and that was it.  It is rare that she has accidents.

As she got older and discipline started to come into play...I remember thinking...oh I have this down.  Same as Gwyneth...only spank if she hurts another or herself in an extreme way. Well...that did not last long.  Logan did not listen to reason.  Logan could care less what you had to say.  Time out?  Forget it!  So with my head hanging low I say this to you....
                                                                I       spanked          her....

 on several occasions and not for the reasons stated above. 

But guess what...to my disbelief...spankings didn't work.  She didn't even cry...even when my hand was stinging so hard I wanted to cry.  (and here is where some mommy guilt comes in)  All the spankings did was lower her self esteem and make her fear.  I realized this when one day I was sitting by her and I raised my arm to move it and she cringed like she thought I was going to hit her.  That was it for me!  My dad spanked me a lot and even made a wooden paddle for me ( which he never used on my brother).  He would also tease me by lifting his hand as if to slap me and then comb his hand through his hair.  I would cringe and he would laugh.  He thought it was funny.  I hated that fear feeling.  Now, I was seeing it in my own daughter.

TIME TO RE GROUP.

Think.  Think..,.,, THINK!!!

What would the great Teacher Nicolette have done???

So this is what we did...when she would scream and demand things, we would talk calmly and turn our backs on her.  We would physically turn our backs to her.  We said, "We don't listen to people who scream."  She did not like that.  She hated to be ignored or not noticed.  She would very quickly change her voice.  Another tactic would be to say.."we don't scream in this house, you can scream in your room (all said in a very monotone voice)."  I would have to hold her door shut for a few minutes.  Yes she would kick the door violenly and scream...but I held steadfast. If she didn't sit in time out, I would either hold her so she couldn't move, or tell her very nonchalant "ok that is 2 more minutes...keep it up I will give you 4 more minutes."  Sometimes I kept adding time until it was up to 10 minutes.  She learned quickly,,especially after sitting there for 10 minutes.

 It had become the battle of the wills.  When you get to that point with your child, you have pretty much already lost cause you are on her/his playing field.  Well, now we were on my playing field. I was very consistent....always followed through and started to give her choices.  She was almost three...so she seemed to be understanding more.  I would say, for example, "Logan you have a choice, you can scream at me and demand to wear your Minnie Mouse dress and I will not let you wear it or you can ask in a nice voice and I will let you wear it after breakfast.  BUT if you throw a fit I will not let you wear it.  What choice are you going to choose?  I hope you choose the right choice. If you don't choose then you will lose your choice and I will choose for you.  You will not like what I choose." See...my playing field.  The child responds to this because you are respecting them enough to ask them what they think.  They feel empowered and respected cause you are giving them choices in their discipline.  They think they are in control...and they are, in a sense, but you are calling the shots, ultimately. 

Logan's behavior really peaked bad right when she turned 3 it was the worst.  We kept trying to be consistent.  I did make a mistake here and there and would rarely spank her, but mostly we were doing ok.   Boy...let me tell you when she peaked...that was so hard to stay consistent! 

Then                 all of a sudden                              it stopped. 

Well, for the most part.  We still have our moments, but 90% improvement from before.  I share this with you to hopefully help you, encourage you, and to show you are not alone. 

I keep telling myself that Logan is a natural born leader.  I really believe that.  It is not about breaking the will or the spirit of a child.  That will only lead to low self esteem and later to destructive behavior...take it from me...that was me.  It is about directing them in the right way.  If you have a strong willed child, give them some responsibility around the house.  Maybe they just want to use the God given leadership they were born with a little more.  Let them help make breakfast or clean.  4-6 are perfect ages to let them start doing these things.

I am no longer teaching.  I retired a long time ago because I thought then as I do now, I can not give my all to my children and my class...one group would suffer.  I don't want either group to suffer.  I could not pick and will not pick.   I do see now why the Early Childhood degree was important.  I sure am still using it!  Please let me know if I can help you with any questions on discipline or behavior problems.  Maybe we can put our heads together to solve a problem.  I hope you guys comment on this one so we can help each other.  :)

Trust In Me by Nicolette

This is a song I wrote a long time ago that is on my first album I recorded in Hawaii.  I wrote this song when I was going through a very hard time, before I had kids, and I felt very alone.  I hope you are blessed by it.  Click on the words (trust in me by nicolette) and it will take you to my myspace music page and click the play button to hear it.  :)  This song has been playing in my mind a lot lately.  As a musician sometimes you write music that is therapy for yourself and realize it may help others by sharing.  This is one of those songs.  Trust In Me by Nicolette