Friday, August 27, 2010
Trust In Me by Nicolette
This is a song I wrote a long time ago that is on my first album I recorded in Hawaii. I wrote this song when I was going through a very hard time, before I had kids, and I felt very alone. I hope you are blessed by it. Click on the words (trust in me by nicolette) and it will take you to my myspace music page and click the play button to hear it. :) This song has been playing in my mind a lot lately. As a musician sometimes you write music that is therapy for yourself and realize it may help others by sharing. This is one of those songs. Trust In Me by Nicolette
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A Mother's Guilt
You know...I never felt worried or guilty until I had kids. I did some pretty bad things in my life. If you think abortion is killing, then I guess I have broken every one of the Ten Commandments in the Bible. Not bragging...just a fact. My guilt is not that of oh I feel guilty for my sins...am I going to heaven? Not like that....just mom guilt. How many of you know what that is?
When we got pregnant finally after 6 years of trying for my first daughter, Gwyneth, I was so excited for my first ultrasound. I KNEW it was a girl. I had been collecting girl baby clothes for 8 years!!! Mind you, I had been married 10 years by the time I got pregnant. I did everything right...took folic acid the whole time we were trying and prenatals. I quit coffee...and if you know me, THAT WAS HARD!!!! I even exercised here and there. The day of our ultrasound came and I was...we were....so excited as all new parents are. I'll never forget that day. The ultrasound tech ran down the list..."five fingers, five toes...look at her heart beat going!" Then she said what I had been waiting for 8 years to hear: "It's a girl!!!" Then she was quiet.
You just know.
I don't even know if my husband knew at that moment and he is a surgeon, but I knew. Something was wrong! She said she needed to get the doctor. He came in, she pointed, he sighed and agreed, they said some big words...then the doctor told us something every parent dreads: "There is something wrong with your baby." It is amazing how quick a smile can turn to a quivering lip. I thought in my head..."they must be wrong...it must be a mistake." He explained to me the baby looked like she had Spina Bifida which is where the spinal cord grows out of the back. He was puzzled, however, because he said..."well, it looks like Spina Bifida, but she is kicking her legs and her brain is normal. Usually they have a banana shaped (something...not sure what he said here or maybe he said apple), and there is fluid that collects on the brain. Hmmm." In that instant...GUILT. Then...oh this is the kicker...then the tech turns to me and says, "Didn't you take folic acid?!!" Even though I responded with a quick, "Yes, for 6 years," there it was again...guilt. This must have been my fault. I am the mother. She is growing inside me. I, I, I, me, me, me. I immediately started thinking of those two abortions I had many years back when I was date raped and again when I was raped by the same guy....my boyfriend. Maybe I was being punished? It was my fault...GUILT.
You can imagine the sadness we felt when the doctor told us most of these kids need leg braces or wheel chairs and some don't walk at all. They have many surgeries over time. They have water on there brains and need shunts that fail often. I remember when my daughter had her surgery at 5 months, there was a very brave 12 year old who was on her 10th surgery and had this HUGE metal saucer around her head and bolted into her head in the pediatrics ward. She had Spina Bifida. The doctor also said they have problems and sometimes inability with potty training and need to catheterize themselves.
No matter what any one said, no matter what scripture I read, no matter what book I read it was there...GUILT. I am the mom...I am supposed to protect my baby. I am in control of her, yet I felt so out of control. I had no say in this.
Even now, as I type this almost 5 years after she was born, there is guilt for other things. My 3 year old is having horrible night terrors...did I cause that? Was I too hard on her during the day? Has my anxiety that I thought was well hidden affected her? Is it all the deaths lately? She seems so angry all the time. Is it too much attention on Gwyneth and her issues or is it just 2 year old angst. Gwyneth was never like this.
I took Gwyneth to shop for shoes. I must say here, for those who do not know, she ended up being our miracle baby. She walks, runs, and can do so without assistance. She does have leg braces, for now, for support. She had a few surgeries at 5 months (a story for another time) and has a 4 1/2 inch scar we call her "battle wounds." She is more or less potty trained...we have constipation problems which sometimes cause accidents. She has NO water on her brain...ever...and is being tested for being gifted (she was talking at 9 months). She is one in 200 of every Spina Bifida case. She is very rare....and blessed.
On with the story, I took her shoe shopping. There are certain shoes she can't wear because her left foot doesn't have the push down reflex. She uses her toes, somehow, to push down. She can't wear flip flops because of that...although I let her try. We never want her to say "I can't". We want her to say, "I will try and someday maybe I will." She was so sad at the shoe shop when she couldn't wear the flip flops very well after trying. She sat on the floor of the store and said..."Mommy, this is not fair." The guilt came again.
ODed on drugs my high school graduation night and wanted to die..almost did die. I really believe God saved me (another story for another time). Please understand that when I speak of God, it is because I had a REAL experience. He became real to me. Before that...I could care less. So indulge me while I share my thoughts on this guilt thing, from my perspective. I believe that God doesn't want us to have guilt. Jesus died for us so we wouldn't have guilt. Guilt is not of God. It goes against His plan. Remorse, yes...guilt, no.
"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:17.
People forget that God is not some mean dad up in Heaven ready to throw a hammer at you if you make a mistake or to criticize you. God doesn't want you to feel guilty, but Satan does. If he can get you to feel guilty, he can keep you from God because you will never feel good enough. NONE of us are good enough, the Bible says, but Jesus made the playing field fair.
If you don't believe in God, I would say guilt is no way to live. It can quickly turn into depression and panic attacks. It just is not a happy way to live your life. It can't be good for our children. Possibly guilt can affect how we parent, either too passive (not enough discipline) or too Aggressive (too much discipline, or even punishment). I think guilt makes us second guess our decisions. It can be confusing. I know for me, guilt has kept me up at night, then I am tired the next day, thus affecting my parenting that way. Coco Chanel, the designer, once said, "guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death." I pondered that one.
Lets all make a vow to try to end this Mommy Guilt that I think most moms have. I know it is a daily battle for me, but I pray about it. I constantly remind myself that this is not what God wants for me and is no way to live. Would love to hear from you. Do you have Mommy Guilt? What do you do to combat that? Lets share! :)
When we got pregnant finally after 6 years of trying for my first daughter, Gwyneth, I was so excited for my first ultrasound. I KNEW it was a girl. I had been collecting girl baby clothes for 8 years!!! Mind you, I had been married 10 years by the time I got pregnant. I did everything right...took folic acid the whole time we were trying and prenatals. I quit coffee...and if you know me, THAT WAS HARD!!!! I even exercised here and there. The day of our ultrasound came and I was...we were....so excited as all new parents are. I'll never forget that day. The ultrasound tech ran down the list..."five fingers, five toes...look at her heart beat going!" Then she said what I had been waiting for 8 years to hear: "It's a girl!!!" Then she was quiet.
You just know.
I don't even know if my husband knew at that moment and he is a surgeon, but I knew. Something was wrong! She said she needed to get the doctor. He came in, she pointed, he sighed and agreed, they said some big words...then the doctor told us something every parent dreads: "There is something wrong with your baby." It is amazing how quick a smile can turn to a quivering lip. I thought in my head..."they must be wrong...it must be a mistake." He explained to me the baby looked like she had Spina Bifida which is where the spinal cord grows out of the back. He was puzzled, however, because he said..."well, it looks like Spina Bifida, but she is kicking her legs and her brain is normal. Usually they have a banana shaped (something...not sure what he said here or maybe he said apple), and there is fluid that collects on the brain. Hmmm." In that instant...GUILT. Then...oh this is the kicker...then the tech turns to me and says, "Didn't you take folic acid?!!" Even though I responded with a quick, "Yes, for 6 years," there it was again...guilt. This must have been my fault. I am the mother. She is growing inside me. I, I, I, me, me, me. I immediately started thinking of those two abortions I had many years back when I was date raped and again when I was raped by the same guy....my boyfriend. Maybe I was being punished? It was my fault...GUILT.
You can imagine the sadness we felt when the doctor told us most of these kids need leg braces or wheel chairs and some don't walk at all. They have many surgeries over time. They have water on there brains and need shunts that fail often. I remember when my daughter had her surgery at 5 months, there was a very brave 12 year old who was on her 10th surgery and had this HUGE metal saucer around her head and bolted into her head in the pediatrics ward. She had Spina Bifida. The doctor also said they have problems and sometimes inability with potty training and need to catheterize themselves.
No matter what any one said, no matter what scripture I read, no matter what book I read it was there...GUILT. I am the mom...I am supposed to protect my baby. I am in control of her, yet I felt so out of control. I had no say in this.
Even now, as I type this almost 5 years after she was born, there is guilt for other things. My 3 year old is having horrible night terrors...did I cause that? Was I too hard on her during the day? Has my anxiety that I thought was well hidden affected her? Is it all the deaths lately? She seems so angry all the time. Is it too much attention on Gwyneth and her issues or is it just 2 year old angst. Gwyneth was never like this.
I took Gwyneth to shop for shoes. I must say here, for those who do not know, she ended up being our miracle baby. She walks, runs, and can do so without assistance. She does have leg braces, for now, for support. She had a few surgeries at 5 months (a story for another time) and has a 4 1/2 inch scar we call her "battle wounds." She is more or less potty trained...we have constipation problems which sometimes cause accidents. She has NO water on her brain...ever...and is being tested for being gifted (she was talking at 9 months). She is one in 200 of every Spina Bifida case. She is very rare....and blessed.
On with the story, I took her shoe shopping. There are certain shoes she can't wear because her left foot doesn't have the push down reflex. She uses her toes, somehow, to push down. She can't wear flip flops because of that...although I let her try. We never want her to say "I can't". We want her to say, "I will try and someday maybe I will." She was so sad at the shoe shop when she couldn't wear the flip flops very well after trying. She sat on the floor of the store and said..."Mommy, this is not fair." The guilt came again.
ODed on drugs my high school graduation night and wanted to die..almost did die. I really believe God saved me (another story for another time). Please understand that when I speak of God, it is because I had a REAL experience. He became real to me. Before that...I could care less. So indulge me while I share my thoughts on this guilt thing, from my perspective. I believe that God doesn't want us to have guilt. Jesus died for us so we wouldn't have guilt. Guilt is not of God. It goes against His plan. Remorse, yes...guilt, no.
"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:17.
People forget that God is not some mean dad up in Heaven ready to throw a hammer at you if you make a mistake or to criticize you. God doesn't want you to feel guilty, but Satan does. If he can get you to feel guilty, he can keep you from God because you will never feel good enough. NONE of us are good enough, the Bible says, but Jesus made the playing field fair.
If you don't believe in God, I would say guilt is no way to live. It can quickly turn into depression and panic attacks. It just is not a happy way to live your life. It can't be good for our children. Possibly guilt can affect how we parent, either too passive (not enough discipline) or too Aggressive (too much discipline, or even punishment). I think guilt makes us second guess our decisions. It can be confusing. I know for me, guilt has kept me up at night, then I am tired the next day, thus affecting my parenting that way. Coco Chanel, the designer, once said, "guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death." I pondered that one.
Lets all make a vow to try to end this Mommy Guilt that I think most moms have. I know it is a daily battle for me, but I pray about it. I constantly remind myself that this is not what God wants for me and is no way to live. Would love to hear from you. Do you have Mommy Guilt? What do you do to combat that? Lets share! :)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Do we have time to know what we are feeling?
I think everyone has a wall. You may never hit it...you may have yet to hit it, but it is there. Everyone has a point were they can only take or stuff so much. Especially if you have had a tragedy or abuse way back in your life...it comes up when you least expect it. You live your life, day to day, you don't have time to feel or know what you are really feeling. As mothers, we are always doing for others....ALWAYS.
I hit my wall last week. I describe it as the subconscious (I don't really know what I am saying here because I am not a psychologist) finally comes to the conscious and you can not hold it back anymore. I had tragedies in my past, yes. Doesn't everyone? I always moved forward. I put a smile on my face and made the best of it. I thought positive thoughts, I was active in the church, I was happily married, had two great kids, had successes in life, I was doing what I loved, lived in a nice house...everything was great. Then a trigger happens. You never know what that maybe. For me, it was my dad's death. It did not happen right away. I fought it for months, not consciously mind you. The human brain is amazing. We will do anything to survive and keep going. I had no idea what was brewing.
I think as moms we don't have time for ourselves, much less to know what we are feeling every minute of everyday. We are on autopilot. Get up, feed the kids, get them ready for school, look half way decent so I can take them to school, clean the house or go to work, put them to nap.....it goes on and on. I remember one day a guy flipped me off and I thought nothing of it until I almost got home and I thought..."hey! That jerk flipped me off!! That wasn't nice, what did I do?"
Even when my husband comes home do we really TALK about our feelings. Does your husband say when you tell them your child screamed all day, "Oh honey, I am so sorry...tell me how did that make you feel?" And then you say..."Oh it made me feel guilty like... what am I doing wrong as a mom? I am so frustrated and that makes me feel like an inferior mom. Sometimes I get mad at myself because I spank out of frustration instead of discipline. Sometimes I wish you would take care of these kids for two weeks and I go to work so you would understand more." I mean...maybe you do that with your husband. Me? I don't have time. Christopher comes home, I greet him. I start on dinner and he plays with the kids. We eat and conversation centers around the kids. I may briefly tell him how my day was between talking to the kids and he will respond very basically. Then it is off to give the kids baths, both of us get them dressed, we both help them clean their room, we both read them stories and get them to bed. Then we go to bed..correction...he goes to bed, I stay up designing or sewing for my lil girls clothing line or get on the computer or write music. No time. No time to feel or no how I feel. Or no time just because of pure exhaustion from the day. I find sometimes I have had such a stressful day that the last thing I want to do is TALK about it.
Yes, I hit that wall. I hit it HARD. I have never known grief like that....pure ANGUISH. I have never felt so desperately helpless and sad. I thought I have had depression in the past. I was sad...I had no drive. ..but THIS....this was different. This threw me on my back for days...sleeping...being vacant...not picking up calls from friends...not doing things I loved...I was half dead. A small tif with my husband ended up in me locking myself in a dark closet, hyperventilating, and so much anguish...animalistic cries. My poor husband, he had never seen me that way in 15 years of marriage. I am sure he thought I was flipping out. I must say...I thought I was flipping out. I couldn't stop crying or catch my breath. I remember thinking...what is wrong with me???? I stayed in that closet for 15 minutes or more...trying to breathe...grieving. What started off as me crying cause I was frustrated with my husband ended up in me finally mourning my dad...mourning my hurts as a child and as a teen...mourning my mom and my brother who were struggling. I had to be the rock from day one with my dad's death from the hospital calling me first to tell me he was dead, to me calling everyone, to me shopping for mortuaries alone, to me planning the funeral, to me taking care of calling bills and his accounts to notify them of his death, to me counseling my family in spiritual things and emotional things. I had cried very little...not even at the funeral much. The most I had cried was the day I had found out. I even sang at his funeral and didn't cry the whole time!!! Who does that???? For these reasons and more... my body and brain and heart could only take so much until I hit the wall...no matter how strong I thought I was. No matter how I tried to fight it. Things I thought I had dealt with as a kid...nope...came to the forefront. Things I thought I was ok with...nope...came out in my anguish.
"Those of us who are Christians always say we are Christians, but we forget we are finite...human." Wayne Cordeiro I am finding this out very quickly. It is almost like we say "I AM SUPER CHRISTIAN!! Nothing can harm me!!! I have God!!" We do...but we forget..we are NOT God. We are finite. We fall...we have hardships...we make mistakes...we need help at times.
A storm descends on a small town, and the downpour soon turns into a flood. As the waters rise, the local preacher kneels in prayer on the church porch, surrounded by water. By and by, one of the townsfolk comes up the street in a canoe.
"Better get in, Preacher. The waters are rising fast."
"No," says the preacher. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me."
Still the waters rise. Now the preacher is up on the balcony, wringing his hands in supplication, when another guy zips up in a motorboat.
"Come on, Preacher. We need to get you out of here. The levee's gonna break any minute."Once again, the preacher is unmoved. "I shall remain. The Lord will see me through."After a while the levee breaks, and the flood rushes over the church until only the steeple remains above water. The preacher is up there, clinging to the cross, when a helicopter descends out of the clouds, and a state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone.
"Grab the ladder, Preacher. This is your last chance."
Once again, the preacher insists the Lord will deliver him.
And, predictably, he drowns.
A pious man, the preacher goes to heaven. After a while he gets an interview with God, and he asks the Almighty, "Lord, I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn't you deliver me from that flood?"
God shakes his head. "What did you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter."
I have started to learn some things on this journey. Let me encourage you to stop and feel, not just the bad, the good too. Watch your children sleep and breathe in their sweet scents. Stop cleaning your house for a day! The mess will always be there...your children at these precious ages will not. Get on the floor with them and watch them play, observe, burn it into your memory. When you are frustrated or sad or angry try to really feel it. Don't let yourself stay on auto pilot for too long...you will burn out like I did. SLOW DOWN. I am so guilty of being the busiest person on this planet..but I create it. I made me that busy. I am now learning that I make myself that busy to avoid dealing with things. It will only last for so long, believe me. The wall will come if you don't slow down and feel. :)
Monday, August 23, 2010
I am....
I am a wounded child.
I have walked this Earth with wounds so deep I could not feel them.
Like Novocain, my hectic life numbed those wounds.
I thought I was ok.
My face smiled, my mind smiled, my heart smiled....
My soul...still fragmented.
I carried a weight that made me less than what I should be.
I allowed it?
Did I ignore it?
All was under clouded memory anesthesia...
Until the day my father died.
With this blog I hope to heal. I hope to help other moms who may be struggling too or others going through the same thing. I have had many tragedies, trials, and struggles to share....but I know I will gain more victories. I have a GREAT HERO helping me. Allow me to share with you...and thank you for entering my mind and my life.
I have walked this Earth with wounds so deep I could not feel them.
Like Novocain, my hectic life numbed those wounds.
I thought I was ok.
My face smiled, my mind smiled, my heart smiled....
My soul...still fragmented.
I carried a weight that made me less than what I should be.
I allowed it?
Did I ignore it?
All was under clouded memory anesthesia...
Until the day my father died.
With this blog I hope to heal. I hope to help other moms who may be struggling too or others going through the same thing. I have had many tragedies, trials, and struggles to share....but I know I will gain more victories. I have a GREAT HERO helping me. Allow me to share with you...and thank you for entering my mind and my life.
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