You know...I never felt worried or guilty until I had kids. I did some pretty bad things in my life. If you think abortion is killing, then I guess I have broken every one of the Ten Commandments in the Bible. Not bragging...just a fact. My guilt is not that of oh I feel guilty for my sins...am I going to heaven? Not like that....just mom guilt. How many of you know what that is?
When we got pregnant finally after 6 years of trying for my first daughter, Gwyneth, I was so excited for my first ultrasound. I KNEW it was a girl. I had been collecting girl baby clothes for 8 years!!! Mind you, I had been married 10 years by the time I got pregnant. I did everything right...took folic acid the whole time we were trying and prenatals. I quit coffee...and if you know me, THAT WAS HARD!!!! I even exercised here and there. The day of our ultrasound came and I was...we were....so excited as all new parents are. I'll never forget that day. The ultrasound tech ran down the list..."five fingers, five toes...look at her heart beat going!" Then she said what I had been waiting for 8 years to hear: "It's a girl!!!" Then she was quiet.
You just know.
I don't even know if my husband knew at that moment and he is a surgeon, but I knew. Something was wrong! She said she needed to get the doctor. He came in, she pointed, he sighed and agreed, they said some big words...then the doctor told us something every parent dreads: "There is something wrong with your baby." It is amazing how quick a smile can turn to a quivering lip. I thought in my head..."they must be wrong...it must be a mistake." He explained to me the baby looked like she had Spina Bifida which is where the spinal cord grows out of the back. He was puzzled, however, because he said..."well, it looks like Spina Bifida, but she is kicking her legs and her brain is normal. Usually they have a banana shaped (something...not sure what he said here or maybe he said apple), and there is fluid that collects on the brain. Hmmm." In that instant...GUILT. Then...oh this is the kicker...then the tech turns to me and says, "Didn't you take folic acid?!!" Even though I responded with a quick, "Yes, for 6 years," there it was again...guilt. This must have been my fault. I am the mother. She is growing inside me. I, I, I, me, me, me. I immediately started thinking of those two abortions I had many years back when I was date raped and again when I was raped by the same guy....my boyfriend. Maybe I was being punished? It was my fault...GUILT.
You can imagine the sadness we felt when the doctor told us most of these kids need leg braces or wheel chairs and some don't walk at all. They have many surgeries over time. They have water on there brains and need shunts that fail often. I remember when my daughter had her surgery at 5 months, there was a very brave 12 year old who was on her 10th surgery and had this HUGE metal saucer around her head and bolted into her head in the pediatrics ward. She had Spina Bifida. The doctor also said they have problems and sometimes inability with potty training and need to catheterize themselves.
No matter what any one said, no matter what scripture I read, no matter what book I read it was there...GUILT. I am the mom...I am supposed to protect my baby. I am in control of her, yet I felt so out of control. I had no say in this.
Even now, as I type this almost 5 years after she was born, there is guilt for other things. My 3 year old is having horrible night terrors...did I cause that? Was I too hard on her during the day? Has my anxiety that I thought was well hidden affected her? Is it all the deaths lately? She seems so angry all the time. Is it too much attention on Gwyneth and her issues or is it just 2 year old angst. Gwyneth was never like this.
I took Gwyneth to shop for shoes. I must say here, for those who do not know, she ended up being our miracle baby. She walks, runs, and can do so without assistance. She does have leg braces, for now, for support. She had a few surgeries at 5 months (a story for another time) and has a 4 1/2 inch scar we call her "battle wounds." She is more or less potty trained...we have constipation problems which sometimes cause accidents. She has NO water on her brain...ever...and is being tested for being gifted (she was talking at 9 months). She is one in 200 of every Spina Bifida case. She is very rare....and blessed.
On with the story, I took her shoe shopping. There are certain shoes she can't wear because her left foot doesn't have the push down reflex. She uses her toes, somehow, to push down. She can't wear flip flops because of that...although I let her try. We never want her to say "I can't". We want her to say, "I will try and someday maybe I will." She was so sad at the shoe shop when she couldn't wear the flip flops very well after trying. She sat on the floor of the store and said..."Mommy, this is not fair." The guilt came again.
ODed on drugs my high school graduation night and wanted to die..almost did die. I really believe God saved me (another story for another time). Please understand that when I speak of God, it is because I had a REAL experience. He became real to me. Before that...I could care less. So indulge me while I share my thoughts on this guilt thing, from my perspective. I believe that God doesn't want us to have guilt. Jesus died for us so we wouldn't have guilt. Guilt is not of God. It goes against His plan. Remorse, yes...guilt, no.
"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:17.
People forget that God is not some mean dad up in Heaven ready to throw a hammer at you if you make a mistake or to criticize you. God doesn't want you to feel guilty, but Satan does. If he can get you to feel guilty, he can keep you from God because you will never feel good enough. NONE of us are good enough, the Bible says, but Jesus made the playing field fair.
If you don't believe in God, I would say guilt is no way to live. It can quickly turn into depression and panic attacks. It just is not a happy way to live your life. It can't be good for our children. Possibly guilt can affect how we parent, either too passive (not enough discipline) or too Aggressive (too much discipline, or even punishment). I think guilt makes us second guess our decisions. It can be confusing. I know for me, guilt has kept me up at night, then I am tired the next day, thus affecting my parenting that way. Coco Chanel, the designer, once said, "guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death." I pondered that one.
Lets all make a vow to try to end this Mommy Guilt that I think most moms have. I know it is a daily battle for me, but I pray about it. I constantly remind myself that this is not what God wants for me and is no way to live. Would love to hear from you. Do you have Mommy Guilt? What do you do to combat that? Lets share! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment