Do we have time to know what we are feeling?

 I think everyone has a wall.  You may never hit it...you may have yet to hit it, but it is there.  Everyone has a point were they can only take or stuff so much.  Especially if you have had a tragedy or abuse way back in your life...it comes up when you least expect it.  You live your life, day to day, you don't have time to feel or know what you are really feeling.  As mothers, we are always doing for others....ALWAYS.   

I hit my wall last week.  I describe it as the subconscious (I don't really know what I am saying here because I am not a psychologist) finally comes to the conscious and you can not hold it back anymore.  I had tragedies in my past, yes.  Doesn't everyone?  I always moved forward.  I put a smile on my face and made the best of it.  I thought positive thoughts, I was active in the church, I was happily married, had two great kids, had successes in life, I was doing what I loved, lived in a nice house...everything was great.  Then a trigger happens.  You never know what that maybe.  For me, it was my dad's death.  It did not happen right away.  I fought it for months, not consciously mind you.  The human brain is amazing.  We will do anything to survive and keep going.  I had no idea what was brewing.

I think as moms we don't have time for ourselves, much less to know what we are feeling every minute of everyday.  We are on autopilot.  Get up, feed the kids, get them ready for school,  look half way decent so I can take them to school, clean the house or go to work, put them to nap.....it goes on and on.   I remember one day a guy flipped me off and I thought nothing of it until I almost got home and I thought..."hey!  That jerk flipped me off!!  That wasn't nice, what did I do?"  

Even when my husband comes home do we really TALK about our feelings.  Does your husband say when you tell them your child screamed all day, "Oh honey, I am so sorry...tell me how did that make you feel?"  And then you say..."Oh it made me feel guilty like... what am I doing wrong as a mom?  I am so frustrated and that makes me feel like an inferior mom.  Sometimes I get mad at myself because I spank out of frustration instead of discipline. Sometimes I wish you would take care of these kids for two weeks and I go to work so you would understand more."  I mean...maybe you do that with your husband.  Me?  I don't have time.  Christopher comes home, I greet him. I start on dinner and he plays with the kids.  We eat and conversation centers around the kids.  I may briefly tell him how my day was between talking to the kids and he will respond very basically.  Then it is off to give the kids baths, both of us get them dressed, we both help them clean their room, we both read them stories and get them to bed.  Then we go to bed..correction...he goes to bed, I stay up designing or sewing for my lil girls clothing line or get on the computer or write music.  No time.  No time to feel or no how I feel.  Or no time just because of pure exhaustion from the day.  I find sometimes I have had such a stressful day that the last thing I want to do is TALK about it.  

Yes, I hit that wall.  I hit it HARD.  I have never known grief like that....pure ANGUISH.  I have never felt so desperately helpless and sad.  I thought I have had depression in the past.  I was sad...I had no drive. ..but THIS....this was different. This threw me on my back for days...sleeping...being vacant...not picking up calls from friends...not doing things I loved...I was half dead.  A small tif with my husband ended up in me locking myself in a dark closet, hyperventilating, and so much anguish...animalistic cries.  My poor husband, he had never seen me that way in 15 years of marriage.  I am sure he thought I was flipping out.  I must say...I thought I was flipping out.  I couldn't stop crying or catch my breath.  I remember thinking...what is wrong with me????  I stayed in that closet for 15 minutes or more...trying to breathe...grieving.  What started off as me crying cause I was frustrated with my husband ended up in me finally mourning my dad...mourning my hurts as a child and as a teen...mourning my mom and my brother who were struggling.  I had to be the rock from day one with my dad's death from the hospital calling me first to tell me he was dead, to me calling everyone, to me shopping for mortuaries alone, to me planning the funeral, to me taking care of calling bills and his accounts to notify them of his death, to me counseling my family in spiritual things and emotional things.  I had cried very little...not even at the funeral much.  The most I had cried was the day I had found out.  I even sang at his funeral and didn't cry the whole time!!!  Who does that????  For these reasons and more... my body and brain and heart could only take so much until I hit the wall...no matter how strong I thought I was.  No matter how I tried to fight it.  Things I thought I had dealt with as a kid...nope...came to the forefront.  Things I thought I was ok with...nope...came out in my anguish. 

 "Those of us who are Christians always say we are Christians, but we forget we are finite...human."  Wayne Cordeiro  I am finding this out very quickly. It is almost like we say "I AM SUPER CHRISTIAN!!  Nothing can harm me!!!  I have God!!" We do...but we forget..we are NOT God.  We are finite.  We fall...we have hardships...we make mistakes...we need help at times.

A storm descends on a small town, and the downpour soon turns into a flood. As the waters rise, the local preacher kneels in prayer on the church porch, surrounded by water. By and by, one of the townsfolk comes up the street in a canoe.
"Better get in, Preacher. The waters are rising fast."
"No," says the preacher. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me."
Still the waters rise. Now the preacher is up on the balcony, wringing his hands in supplication, when another guy zips up in a motorboat.
"Come on, Preacher. We need to get you out of here. The levee's gonna break any minute."Once again, the preacher is unmoved. "I shall remain. The Lord will see me through."After a while the levee breaks, and the flood rushes over the church until only the steeple remains above water. The preacher is up there, clinging to the cross, when a helicopter descends out of the clouds, and a state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone.
"Grab the ladder, Preacher. This is your last chance."
Once again, the preacher insists the Lord will deliver him.
And, predictably, he drowns.
A pious man, the preacher goes to heaven. After a while he gets an interview with God, and he asks the Almighty, "Lord, I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn't you deliver me from that flood?"

God shakes his head. "What did you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

I have started to learn some things on this journey.  Let me encourage you to stop and feel, not just the bad, the good too.   Watch your children sleep and breathe in their sweet scents.  Stop cleaning your house for a day!  The mess will always be there...your children at these precious ages will not.  Get on the floor with them and watch them play, observe, burn it into your memory.  When you are frustrated or sad or angry try to really feel it.  Don't let yourself stay on auto pilot for too long...you will burn out like I did.  SLOW DOWN.  I am so guilty of being the busiest person on this planet..but I create it.  I made me that busy.  I am now learning that I make myself that busy to avoid dealing with things.  It will only last for so long, believe me.  The wall will come if you don't slow down and feel.  :)