When my father died in April, I took care of everything. I am the oldest. I needed to be strong. In fact, when my father died...they called ME first...not my mom, not my brother (six years my junior)....me. He passed in Southern California. I live in GA. I made all the calls to my mom, my brother, my father's brothers, my father's friends, everyone. My mom has some issues in addition to being in grief. So, I flew to CA and shopped for morturaries alone. I shopped for caskets...alone. I planned the funeral....alone. All this I did with not much emotion. I was on autopilot. Get it done. I sang at my father's funeral and did not shed a tear...who does that????
My father and I had a 50/50 relationship I will call it. Half of my life was not good. The other half (once I got married and moved out) was great. We became best friends. It is the before that haunts me. I feel robbed that I didn't have my dad for 36 years of my life...only 15. My father was funny, very intelligent, silly at times and always there when you really needed him. The other side of my dad was the darker side. He had a horrible temper that came out on me on occasion. He was depressed (I believe, undiagnosed). He had a low self image and he did not know what to do with a lil girl. As a child, my affections were considered yucky and I was pushed away...in a funny way...but I was pushed away. Unfortunately for my dad, I was a lot like him,. That meant I didn't let him bully me around. I fought back and stood up for myself, but eventually he would win. He always did...after all he was 6'4'' and 200+++ pounds. I look back and think...why didn't he pick on someone his own size??? One thing I must say for my dad though...he always said he was sorry. I believe he meant it.
As a teenager, I remember locking myself in the bathroom to get away from him and crying and sobbing wishing he would die. Other times, he would make me laugh so hard, I would pee my pants. When he got a rare form of cancer, we were best friends. I thought...God, I begged you to take him away when I was young...but I didn't mean it. He had changed over the years, softened. I loved my dad....faults and all. I had a better heavenly father who taught me how to forgive. I did. I forgave him when I got married. Our relationship changed for the better.
As messed up as our parents can be...they are human. I can see that my dad's dad treated him hard. He was not around a lot cause he was away in the war. It is not an excuse for what my Dad did...but through grace and understanding I can forgive him. I am so glad I did. The last days we had together I wouldn't trade for the world. Just think what would have happened if I didn't forgive and he passed. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride, let God change your heart, in order to fix relationships. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person, because for whatever reason your parent is not able too. Let me encourage you to pick up the phone or knock on the door of that relative you are mad at or can't forgive. Just tell them you love them and miss them. Don't hash out the past. Forgive and move on. Life is too too short and precious to hold a grudge. Do it before it is too late to tell them. We could all be dead in a second. Blessings!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Discipline 101
I taught Pre K for 8 years...way before I had kids. I was a really good Pre-K teacher. I am not trying to toot my own horn, so to speak, but it is true. I gave my ALL to teaching. I put so much extra time into those kids...including my own money. I loved all of them. To this day...many are in college or high school and they still remember me!! Do you know how I know??? They are friends on my facebook. lol I was the Assistant Director at my school too. I was the crazy, fun, creative teacher. I decorated our room and painted murals to make it look like a Rainforest. BUT I could lay down the law, when I needed to. So much so that teachers from the other ages and classrooms would send their kids to me, when they wouldn't listen to them. I still have not figured out if it was because they respected me enough...cause we had so much fun that they listened to me....or if I just had that "look" down pat. I had many kids that had been kicked out of tons of schools and then they came to my class. At the end of the year, their parents were thanking me over and over for what I had done.
When I became a parent I thought...this will be easy. I mastered this as a teacher. I have this down! As a teacher, I rarely raised my voice, talked to the children at their eye level, always followed through, gave children choices in their discipline and still had fun with them. So, child #1 came: Gwyneth. I was not prepared for all her physical issues, but she was so smart and such a lovey. She was an old soul. She understood so much at such a young age. She was talking..like big words at 9 months. It was easy to talk to her and reason with her. I had very little discipline problems with her. I held to my word of only spanking when she ran into the street...or hurt me (like the day she slapped me in the face around 1...that never happened again). I thought..."so much for the mommy curse my mom gave me." I am sure you all know what that curse is...you know the one.."I hope your kids are worse than you were!"
Then came child #2: Logan. WOW! I don't know if it was because I was getting older or maybe the "mommy curse" finally kicked in, but she was difficult. Even as an infant...she was a baby with an attitude. In utero...she was VERY active. She pooped in her amniotic fluid even, probably cause she was mad. As an infant she would get so mad that I was not making enough milk. My nipples were so bloody. The lactation consultant and nurses would say...yes she is latched on right. She would get so mad at me. She wanted nothing to do with my milk at 3 1/2 months. She said ENOUGH! I couldn't starve her, so formula to the rescue. I noticed early on she would get very mad, very easily. She loved attention and was always looking for people to look at her, even as an infant, but she could turn it on and off like a faucet. She was either really pissed off or super happy. She was not nearly as even keel as Gwyneth was. She even was picky about when she wanted to be loved on or not. She would push you away, if not in the mood.
Another thing I noticed about Logan was her fierce determination and resolve. When she decided to do something, she did it. Instantly. She crawled at 9 months and was done with that at 10 months, so she decided to start walking. It was like she was saying...ok mastered that...next. Gwyneth loved crawling...she was very good at it and she was more like...if it isn't broke, why fix it? So, she didn't walk until 15 months. I was worried because Logan did not speak as early as Gwyn. Then the day she turned 2 she went from speaking very few words to sentences all in one big leap..in one day really. Potty training was so simple with her too. Took us one weekend...we didn't even need to reward her like we did Gwyn. Logan was not much into stickers or prizes...she loved those things...but she was either going to do it or not. Those things would not change her mind. She just decided to do it one day...and that was it. It is rare that she has accidents.
As she got older and discipline started to come into play...I remember thinking...oh I have this down. Same as Gwyneth...only spank if she hurts another or herself in an extreme way. Well...that did not last long. Logan did not listen to reason. Logan could care less what you had to say. Time out? Forget it! So with my head hanging low I say this to you....
I spanked her....
on several occasions and not for the reasons stated above.
But guess what...to my disbelief...spankings didn't work. She didn't even cry...even when my hand was stinging so hard I wanted to cry. (and here is where some mommy guilt comes in) All the spankings did was lower her self esteem and make her fear. I realized this when one day I was sitting by her and I raised my arm to move it and she cringed like she thought I was going to hit her. That was it for me! My dad spanked me a lot and even made a wooden paddle for me ( which he never used on my brother). He would also tease me by lifting his hand as if to slap me and then comb his hand through his hair. I would cringe and he would laugh. He thought it was funny. I hated that fear feeling. Now, I was seeing it in my own daughter.
TIME TO RE GROUP.
Think. Think..,.,, THINK!!!
What would the great Teacher Nicolette have done???
So this is what we did...when she would scream and demand things, we would talk calmly and turn our backs on her. We would physically turn our backs to her. We said, "We don't listen to people who scream." She did not like that. She hated to be ignored or not noticed. She would very quickly change her voice. Another tactic would be to say.."we don't scream in this house, you can scream in your room (all said in a very monotone voice)." I would have to hold her door shut for a few minutes. Yes she would kick the door violenly and scream...but I held steadfast. If she didn't sit in time out, I would either hold her so she couldn't move, or tell her very nonchalant "ok that is 2 more minutes...keep it up I will give you 4 more minutes." Sometimes I kept adding time until it was up to 10 minutes. She learned quickly,,especially after sitting there for 10 minutes.
It had become the battle of the wills. When you get to that point with your child, you have pretty much already lost cause you are on her/his playing field. Well, now we were on my playing field. I was very consistent....always followed through and started to give her choices. She was almost three...so she seemed to be understanding more. I would say, for example, "Logan you have a choice, you can scream at me and demand to wear your Minnie Mouse dress and I will not let you wear it or you can ask in a nice voice and I will let you wear it after breakfast. BUT if you throw a fit I will not let you wear it. What choice are you going to choose? I hope you choose the right choice. If you don't choose then you will lose your choice and I will choose for you. You will not like what I choose." See...my playing field. The child responds to this because you are respecting them enough to ask them what they think. They feel empowered and respected cause you are giving them choices in their discipline. They think they are in control...and they are, in a sense, but you are calling the shots, ultimately.
Logan's behavior really peaked bad right when she turned 3 it was the worst. We kept trying to be consistent. I did make a mistake here and there and would rarely spank her, but mostly we were doing ok. Boy...let me tell you when she peaked...that was so hard to stay consistent!
Then all of a sudden it stopped.
Well, for the most part. We still have our moments, but 90% improvement from before. I share this with you to hopefully help you, encourage you, and to show you are not alone.
I keep telling myself that Logan is a natural born leader. I really believe that. It is not about breaking the will or the spirit of a child. That will only lead to low self esteem and later to destructive behavior...take it from me...that was me. It is about directing them in the right way. If you have a strong willed child, give them some responsibility around the house. Maybe they just want to use the God given leadership they were born with a little more. Let them help make breakfast or clean. 4-6 are perfect ages to let them start doing these things.
I am no longer teaching. I retired a long time ago because I thought then as I do now, I can not give my all to my children and my class...one group would suffer. I don't want either group to suffer. I could not pick and will not pick. I do see now why the Early Childhood degree was important. I sure am still using it! Please let me know if I can help you with any questions on discipline or behavior problems. Maybe we can put our heads together to solve a problem. I hope you guys comment on this one so we can help each other. :)
When I became a parent I thought...this will be easy. I mastered this as a teacher. I have this down! As a teacher, I rarely raised my voice, talked to the children at their eye level, always followed through, gave children choices in their discipline and still had fun with them. So, child #1 came: Gwyneth. I was not prepared for all her physical issues, but she was so smart and such a lovey. She was an old soul. She understood so much at such a young age. She was talking..like big words at 9 months. It was easy to talk to her and reason with her. I had very little discipline problems with her. I held to my word of only spanking when she ran into the street...or hurt me (like the day she slapped me in the face around 1...that never happened again). I thought..."so much for the mommy curse my mom gave me." I am sure you all know what that curse is...you know the one.."I hope your kids are worse than you were!"
Then came child #2: Logan. WOW! I don't know if it was because I was getting older or maybe the "mommy curse" finally kicked in, but she was difficult. Even as an infant...she was a baby with an attitude. In utero...she was VERY active. She pooped in her amniotic fluid even, probably cause she was mad. As an infant she would get so mad that I was not making enough milk. My nipples were so bloody. The lactation consultant and nurses would say...yes she is latched on right. She would get so mad at me. She wanted nothing to do with my milk at 3 1/2 months. She said ENOUGH! I couldn't starve her, so formula to the rescue. I noticed early on she would get very mad, very easily. She loved attention and was always looking for people to look at her, even as an infant, but she could turn it on and off like a faucet. She was either really pissed off or super happy. She was not nearly as even keel as Gwyneth was. She even was picky about when she wanted to be loved on or not. She would push you away, if not in the mood.
Another thing I noticed about Logan was her fierce determination and resolve. When she decided to do something, she did it. Instantly. She crawled at 9 months and was done with that at 10 months, so she decided to start walking. It was like she was saying...ok mastered that...next. Gwyneth loved crawling...she was very good at it and she was more like...if it isn't broke, why fix it? So, she didn't walk until 15 months. I was worried because Logan did not speak as early as Gwyn. Then the day she turned 2 she went from speaking very few words to sentences all in one big leap..in one day really. Potty training was so simple with her too. Took us one weekend...we didn't even need to reward her like we did Gwyn. Logan was not much into stickers or prizes...she loved those things...but she was either going to do it or not. Those things would not change her mind. She just decided to do it one day...and that was it. It is rare that she has accidents.
As she got older and discipline started to come into play...I remember thinking...oh I have this down. Same as Gwyneth...only spank if she hurts another or herself in an extreme way. Well...that did not last long. Logan did not listen to reason. Logan could care less what you had to say. Time out? Forget it! So with my head hanging low I say this to you....
I spanked her....
on several occasions and not for the reasons stated above.
But guess what...to my disbelief...spankings didn't work. She didn't even cry...even when my hand was stinging so hard I wanted to cry. (and here is where some mommy guilt comes in) All the spankings did was lower her self esteem and make her fear. I realized this when one day I was sitting by her and I raised my arm to move it and she cringed like she thought I was going to hit her. That was it for me! My dad spanked me a lot and even made a wooden paddle for me ( which he never used on my brother). He would also tease me by lifting his hand as if to slap me and then comb his hand through his hair. I would cringe and he would laugh. He thought it was funny. I hated that fear feeling. Now, I was seeing it in my own daughter.
TIME TO RE GROUP.
Think. Think..,.,, THINK!!!
What would the great Teacher Nicolette have done???
So this is what we did...when she would scream and demand things, we would talk calmly and turn our backs on her. We would physically turn our backs to her. We said, "We don't listen to people who scream." She did not like that. She hated to be ignored or not noticed. She would very quickly change her voice. Another tactic would be to say.."we don't scream in this house, you can scream in your room (all said in a very monotone voice)." I would have to hold her door shut for a few minutes. Yes she would kick the door violenly and scream...but I held steadfast. If she didn't sit in time out, I would either hold her so she couldn't move, or tell her very nonchalant "ok that is 2 more minutes...keep it up I will give you 4 more minutes." Sometimes I kept adding time until it was up to 10 minutes. She learned quickly,,especially after sitting there for 10 minutes.
It had become the battle of the wills. When you get to that point with your child, you have pretty much already lost cause you are on her/his playing field. Well, now we were on my playing field. I was very consistent....always followed through and started to give her choices. She was almost three...so she seemed to be understanding more. I would say, for example, "Logan you have a choice, you can scream at me and demand to wear your Minnie Mouse dress and I will not let you wear it or you can ask in a nice voice and I will let you wear it after breakfast. BUT if you throw a fit I will not let you wear it. What choice are you going to choose? I hope you choose the right choice. If you don't choose then you will lose your choice and I will choose for you. You will not like what I choose." See...my playing field. The child responds to this because you are respecting them enough to ask them what they think. They feel empowered and respected cause you are giving them choices in their discipline. They think they are in control...and they are, in a sense, but you are calling the shots, ultimately.
Logan's behavior really peaked bad right when she turned 3 it was the worst. We kept trying to be consistent. I did make a mistake here and there and would rarely spank her, but mostly we were doing ok. Boy...let me tell you when she peaked...that was so hard to stay consistent!
Then all of a sudden it stopped.
Well, for the most part. We still have our moments, but 90% improvement from before. I share this with you to hopefully help you, encourage you, and to show you are not alone.
I keep telling myself that Logan is a natural born leader. I really believe that. It is not about breaking the will or the spirit of a child. That will only lead to low self esteem and later to destructive behavior...take it from me...that was me. It is about directing them in the right way. If you have a strong willed child, give them some responsibility around the house. Maybe they just want to use the God given leadership they were born with a little more. Let them help make breakfast or clean. 4-6 are perfect ages to let them start doing these things.
I am no longer teaching. I retired a long time ago because I thought then as I do now, I can not give my all to my children and my class...one group would suffer. I don't want either group to suffer. I could not pick and will not pick. I do see now why the Early Childhood degree was important. I sure am still using it! Please let me know if I can help you with any questions on discipline or behavior problems. Maybe we can put our heads together to solve a problem. I hope you guys comment on this one so we can help each other. :)
Friday, August 27, 2010
Trust In Me by Nicolette
This is a song I wrote a long time ago that is on my first album I recorded in Hawaii. I wrote this song when I was going through a very hard time, before I had kids, and I felt very alone. I hope you are blessed by it. Click on the words (trust in me by nicolette) and it will take you to my myspace music page and click the play button to hear it. :) This song has been playing in my mind a lot lately. As a musician sometimes you write music that is therapy for yourself and realize it may help others by sharing. This is one of those songs. Trust In Me by Nicolette
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A Mother's Guilt
You know...I never felt worried or guilty until I had kids. I did some pretty bad things in my life. If you think abortion is killing, then I guess I have broken every one of the Ten Commandments in the Bible. Not bragging...just a fact. My guilt is not that of oh I feel guilty for my sins...am I going to heaven? Not like that....just mom guilt. How many of you know what that is?
When we got pregnant finally after 6 years of trying for my first daughter, Gwyneth, I was so excited for my first ultrasound. I KNEW it was a girl. I had been collecting girl baby clothes for 8 years!!! Mind you, I had been married 10 years by the time I got pregnant. I did everything right...took folic acid the whole time we were trying and prenatals. I quit coffee...and if you know me, THAT WAS HARD!!!! I even exercised here and there. The day of our ultrasound came and I was...we were....so excited as all new parents are. I'll never forget that day. The ultrasound tech ran down the list..."five fingers, five toes...look at her heart beat going!" Then she said what I had been waiting for 8 years to hear: "It's a girl!!!" Then she was quiet.
You just know.
I don't even know if my husband knew at that moment and he is a surgeon, but I knew. Something was wrong! She said she needed to get the doctor. He came in, she pointed, he sighed and agreed, they said some big words...then the doctor told us something every parent dreads: "There is something wrong with your baby." It is amazing how quick a smile can turn to a quivering lip. I thought in my head..."they must be wrong...it must be a mistake." He explained to me the baby looked like she had Spina Bifida which is where the spinal cord grows out of the back. He was puzzled, however, because he said..."well, it looks like Spina Bifida, but she is kicking her legs and her brain is normal. Usually they have a banana shaped (something...not sure what he said here or maybe he said apple), and there is fluid that collects on the brain. Hmmm." In that instant...GUILT. Then...oh this is the kicker...then the tech turns to me and says, "Didn't you take folic acid?!!" Even though I responded with a quick, "Yes, for 6 years," there it was again...guilt. This must have been my fault. I am the mother. She is growing inside me. I, I, I, me, me, me. I immediately started thinking of those two abortions I had many years back when I was date raped and again when I was raped by the same guy....my boyfriend. Maybe I was being punished? It was my fault...GUILT.
You can imagine the sadness we felt when the doctor told us most of these kids need leg braces or wheel chairs and some don't walk at all. They have many surgeries over time. They have water on there brains and need shunts that fail often. I remember when my daughter had her surgery at 5 months, there was a very brave 12 year old who was on her 10th surgery and had this HUGE metal saucer around her head and bolted into her head in the pediatrics ward. She had Spina Bifida. The doctor also said they have problems and sometimes inability with potty training and need to catheterize themselves.
No matter what any one said, no matter what scripture I read, no matter what book I read it was there...GUILT. I am the mom...I am supposed to protect my baby. I am in control of her, yet I felt so out of control. I had no say in this.
Even now, as I type this almost 5 years after she was born, there is guilt for other things. My 3 year old is having horrible night terrors...did I cause that? Was I too hard on her during the day? Has my anxiety that I thought was well hidden affected her? Is it all the deaths lately? She seems so angry all the time. Is it too much attention on Gwyneth and her issues or is it just 2 year old angst. Gwyneth was never like this.
I took Gwyneth to shop for shoes. I must say here, for those who do not know, she ended up being our miracle baby. She walks, runs, and can do so without assistance. She does have leg braces, for now, for support. She had a few surgeries at 5 months (a story for another time) and has a 4 1/2 inch scar we call her "battle wounds." She is more or less potty trained...we have constipation problems which sometimes cause accidents. She has NO water on her brain...ever...and is being tested for being gifted (she was talking at 9 months). She is one in 200 of every Spina Bifida case. She is very rare....and blessed.
On with the story, I took her shoe shopping. There are certain shoes she can't wear because her left foot doesn't have the push down reflex. She uses her toes, somehow, to push down. She can't wear flip flops because of that...although I let her try. We never want her to say "I can't". We want her to say, "I will try and someday maybe I will." She was so sad at the shoe shop when she couldn't wear the flip flops very well after trying. She sat on the floor of the store and said..."Mommy, this is not fair." The guilt came again.
ODed on drugs my high school graduation night and wanted to die..almost did die. I really believe God saved me (another story for another time). Please understand that when I speak of God, it is because I had a REAL experience. He became real to me. Before that...I could care less. So indulge me while I share my thoughts on this guilt thing, from my perspective. I believe that God doesn't want us to have guilt. Jesus died for us so we wouldn't have guilt. Guilt is not of God. It goes against His plan. Remorse, yes...guilt, no.
"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:17.
People forget that God is not some mean dad up in Heaven ready to throw a hammer at you if you make a mistake or to criticize you. God doesn't want you to feel guilty, but Satan does. If he can get you to feel guilty, he can keep you from God because you will never feel good enough. NONE of us are good enough, the Bible says, but Jesus made the playing field fair.
If you don't believe in God, I would say guilt is no way to live. It can quickly turn into depression and panic attacks. It just is not a happy way to live your life. It can't be good for our children. Possibly guilt can affect how we parent, either too passive (not enough discipline) or too Aggressive (too much discipline, or even punishment). I think guilt makes us second guess our decisions. It can be confusing. I know for me, guilt has kept me up at night, then I am tired the next day, thus affecting my parenting that way. Coco Chanel, the designer, once said, "guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death." I pondered that one.
Lets all make a vow to try to end this Mommy Guilt that I think most moms have. I know it is a daily battle for me, but I pray about it. I constantly remind myself that this is not what God wants for me and is no way to live. Would love to hear from you. Do you have Mommy Guilt? What do you do to combat that? Lets share! :)
When we got pregnant finally after 6 years of trying for my first daughter, Gwyneth, I was so excited for my first ultrasound. I KNEW it was a girl. I had been collecting girl baby clothes for 8 years!!! Mind you, I had been married 10 years by the time I got pregnant. I did everything right...took folic acid the whole time we were trying and prenatals. I quit coffee...and if you know me, THAT WAS HARD!!!! I even exercised here and there. The day of our ultrasound came and I was...we were....so excited as all new parents are. I'll never forget that day. The ultrasound tech ran down the list..."five fingers, five toes...look at her heart beat going!" Then she said what I had been waiting for 8 years to hear: "It's a girl!!!" Then she was quiet.
You just know.
I don't even know if my husband knew at that moment and he is a surgeon, but I knew. Something was wrong! She said she needed to get the doctor. He came in, she pointed, he sighed and agreed, they said some big words...then the doctor told us something every parent dreads: "There is something wrong with your baby." It is amazing how quick a smile can turn to a quivering lip. I thought in my head..."they must be wrong...it must be a mistake." He explained to me the baby looked like she had Spina Bifida which is where the spinal cord grows out of the back. He was puzzled, however, because he said..."well, it looks like Spina Bifida, but she is kicking her legs and her brain is normal. Usually they have a banana shaped (something...not sure what he said here or maybe he said apple), and there is fluid that collects on the brain. Hmmm." In that instant...GUILT. Then...oh this is the kicker...then the tech turns to me and says, "Didn't you take folic acid?!!" Even though I responded with a quick, "Yes, for 6 years," there it was again...guilt. This must have been my fault. I am the mother. She is growing inside me. I, I, I, me, me, me. I immediately started thinking of those two abortions I had many years back when I was date raped and again when I was raped by the same guy....my boyfriend. Maybe I was being punished? It was my fault...GUILT.
You can imagine the sadness we felt when the doctor told us most of these kids need leg braces or wheel chairs and some don't walk at all. They have many surgeries over time. They have water on there brains and need shunts that fail often. I remember when my daughter had her surgery at 5 months, there was a very brave 12 year old who was on her 10th surgery and had this HUGE metal saucer around her head and bolted into her head in the pediatrics ward. She had Spina Bifida. The doctor also said they have problems and sometimes inability with potty training and need to catheterize themselves.
No matter what any one said, no matter what scripture I read, no matter what book I read it was there...GUILT. I am the mom...I am supposed to protect my baby. I am in control of her, yet I felt so out of control. I had no say in this.
Even now, as I type this almost 5 years after she was born, there is guilt for other things. My 3 year old is having horrible night terrors...did I cause that? Was I too hard on her during the day? Has my anxiety that I thought was well hidden affected her? Is it all the deaths lately? She seems so angry all the time. Is it too much attention on Gwyneth and her issues or is it just 2 year old angst. Gwyneth was never like this.
I took Gwyneth to shop for shoes. I must say here, for those who do not know, she ended up being our miracle baby. She walks, runs, and can do so without assistance. She does have leg braces, for now, for support. She had a few surgeries at 5 months (a story for another time) and has a 4 1/2 inch scar we call her "battle wounds." She is more or less potty trained...we have constipation problems which sometimes cause accidents. She has NO water on her brain...ever...and is being tested for being gifted (she was talking at 9 months). She is one in 200 of every Spina Bifida case. She is very rare....and blessed.
On with the story, I took her shoe shopping. There are certain shoes she can't wear because her left foot doesn't have the push down reflex. She uses her toes, somehow, to push down. She can't wear flip flops because of that...although I let her try. We never want her to say "I can't". We want her to say, "I will try and someday maybe I will." She was so sad at the shoe shop when she couldn't wear the flip flops very well after trying. She sat on the floor of the store and said..."Mommy, this is not fair." The guilt came again.
ODed on drugs my high school graduation night and wanted to die..almost did die. I really believe God saved me (another story for another time). Please understand that when I speak of God, it is because I had a REAL experience. He became real to me. Before that...I could care less. So indulge me while I share my thoughts on this guilt thing, from my perspective. I believe that God doesn't want us to have guilt. Jesus died for us so we wouldn't have guilt. Guilt is not of God. It goes against His plan. Remorse, yes...guilt, no.
"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:17.
People forget that God is not some mean dad up in Heaven ready to throw a hammer at you if you make a mistake or to criticize you. God doesn't want you to feel guilty, but Satan does. If he can get you to feel guilty, he can keep you from God because you will never feel good enough. NONE of us are good enough, the Bible says, but Jesus made the playing field fair.
If you don't believe in God, I would say guilt is no way to live. It can quickly turn into depression and panic attacks. It just is not a happy way to live your life. It can't be good for our children. Possibly guilt can affect how we parent, either too passive (not enough discipline) or too Aggressive (too much discipline, or even punishment). I think guilt makes us second guess our decisions. It can be confusing. I know for me, guilt has kept me up at night, then I am tired the next day, thus affecting my parenting that way. Coco Chanel, the designer, once said, "guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death." I pondered that one.
Lets all make a vow to try to end this Mommy Guilt that I think most moms have. I know it is a daily battle for me, but I pray about it. I constantly remind myself that this is not what God wants for me and is no way to live. Would love to hear from you. Do you have Mommy Guilt? What do you do to combat that? Lets share! :)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Do we have time to know what we are feeling?
I think everyone has a wall. You may never hit it...you may have yet to hit it, but it is there. Everyone has a point were they can only take or stuff so much. Especially if you have had a tragedy or abuse way back in your life...it comes up when you least expect it. You live your life, day to day, you don't have time to feel or know what you are really feeling. As mothers, we are always doing for others....ALWAYS.
I hit my wall last week. I describe it as the subconscious (I don't really know what I am saying here because I am not a psychologist) finally comes to the conscious and you can not hold it back anymore. I had tragedies in my past, yes. Doesn't everyone? I always moved forward. I put a smile on my face and made the best of it. I thought positive thoughts, I was active in the church, I was happily married, had two great kids, had successes in life, I was doing what I loved, lived in a nice house...everything was great. Then a trigger happens. You never know what that maybe. For me, it was my dad's death. It did not happen right away. I fought it for months, not consciously mind you. The human brain is amazing. We will do anything to survive and keep going. I had no idea what was brewing.
I think as moms we don't have time for ourselves, much less to know what we are feeling every minute of everyday. We are on autopilot. Get up, feed the kids, get them ready for school, look half way decent so I can take them to school, clean the house or go to work, put them to nap.....it goes on and on. I remember one day a guy flipped me off and I thought nothing of it until I almost got home and I thought..."hey! That jerk flipped me off!! That wasn't nice, what did I do?"
Even when my husband comes home do we really TALK about our feelings. Does your husband say when you tell them your child screamed all day, "Oh honey, I am so sorry...tell me how did that make you feel?" And then you say..."Oh it made me feel guilty like... what am I doing wrong as a mom? I am so frustrated and that makes me feel like an inferior mom. Sometimes I get mad at myself because I spank out of frustration instead of discipline. Sometimes I wish you would take care of these kids for two weeks and I go to work so you would understand more." I mean...maybe you do that with your husband. Me? I don't have time. Christopher comes home, I greet him. I start on dinner and he plays with the kids. We eat and conversation centers around the kids. I may briefly tell him how my day was between talking to the kids and he will respond very basically. Then it is off to give the kids baths, both of us get them dressed, we both help them clean their room, we both read them stories and get them to bed. Then we go to bed..correction...he goes to bed, I stay up designing or sewing for my lil girls clothing line or get on the computer or write music. No time. No time to feel or no how I feel. Or no time just because of pure exhaustion from the day. I find sometimes I have had such a stressful day that the last thing I want to do is TALK about it.
Yes, I hit that wall. I hit it HARD. I have never known grief like that....pure ANGUISH. I have never felt so desperately helpless and sad. I thought I have had depression in the past. I was sad...I had no drive. ..but THIS....this was different. This threw me on my back for days...sleeping...being vacant...not picking up calls from friends...not doing things I loved...I was half dead. A small tif with my husband ended up in me locking myself in a dark closet, hyperventilating, and so much anguish...animalistic cries. My poor husband, he had never seen me that way in 15 years of marriage. I am sure he thought I was flipping out. I must say...I thought I was flipping out. I couldn't stop crying or catch my breath. I remember thinking...what is wrong with me???? I stayed in that closet for 15 minutes or more...trying to breathe...grieving. What started off as me crying cause I was frustrated with my husband ended up in me finally mourning my dad...mourning my hurts as a child and as a teen...mourning my mom and my brother who were struggling. I had to be the rock from day one with my dad's death from the hospital calling me first to tell me he was dead, to me calling everyone, to me shopping for mortuaries alone, to me planning the funeral, to me taking care of calling bills and his accounts to notify them of his death, to me counseling my family in spiritual things and emotional things. I had cried very little...not even at the funeral much. The most I had cried was the day I had found out. I even sang at his funeral and didn't cry the whole time!!! Who does that???? For these reasons and more... my body and brain and heart could only take so much until I hit the wall...no matter how strong I thought I was. No matter how I tried to fight it. Things I thought I had dealt with as a kid...nope...came to the forefront. Things I thought I was ok with...nope...came out in my anguish.
"Those of us who are Christians always say we are Christians, but we forget we are finite...human." Wayne Cordeiro I am finding this out very quickly. It is almost like we say "I AM SUPER CHRISTIAN!! Nothing can harm me!!! I have God!!" We do...but we forget..we are NOT God. We are finite. We fall...we have hardships...we make mistakes...we need help at times.
A storm descends on a small town, and the downpour soon turns into a flood. As the waters rise, the local preacher kneels in prayer on the church porch, surrounded by water. By and by, one of the townsfolk comes up the street in a canoe.
"Better get in, Preacher. The waters are rising fast."
"No," says the preacher. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me."
Still the waters rise. Now the preacher is up on the balcony, wringing his hands in supplication, when another guy zips up in a motorboat.
"Come on, Preacher. We need to get you out of here. The levee's gonna break any minute."Once again, the preacher is unmoved. "I shall remain. The Lord will see me through."After a while the levee breaks, and the flood rushes over the church until only the steeple remains above water. The preacher is up there, clinging to the cross, when a helicopter descends out of the clouds, and a state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone.
"Grab the ladder, Preacher. This is your last chance."
Once again, the preacher insists the Lord will deliver him.
And, predictably, he drowns.
A pious man, the preacher goes to heaven. After a while he gets an interview with God, and he asks the Almighty, "Lord, I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn't you deliver me from that flood?"
God shakes his head. "What did you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter."
I have started to learn some things on this journey. Let me encourage you to stop and feel, not just the bad, the good too. Watch your children sleep and breathe in their sweet scents. Stop cleaning your house for a day! The mess will always be there...your children at these precious ages will not. Get on the floor with them and watch them play, observe, burn it into your memory. When you are frustrated or sad or angry try to really feel it. Don't let yourself stay on auto pilot for too long...you will burn out like I did. SLOW DOWN. I am so guilty of being the busiest person on this planet..but I create it. I made me that busy. I am now learning that I make myself that busy to avoid dealing with things. It will only last for so long, believe me. The wall will come if you don't slow down and feel. :)
Monday, August 23, 2010
I am....
I am a wounded child.
I have walked this Earth with wounds so deep I could not feel them.
Like Novocain, my hectic life numbed those wounds.
I thought I was ok.
My face smiled, my mind smiled, my heart smiled....
My soul...still fragmented.
I carried a weight that made me less than what I should be.
I allowed it?
Did I ignore it?
All was under clouded memory anesthesia...
Until the day my father died.
With this blog I hope to heal. I hope to help other moms who may be struggling too or others going through the same thing. I have had many tragedies, trials, and struggles to share....but I know I will gain more victories. I have a GREAT HERO helping me. Allow me to share with you...and thank you for entering my mind and my life.
I have walked this Earth with wounds so deep I could not feel them.
Like Novocain, my hectic life numbed those wounds.
I thought I was ok.
My face smiled, my mind smiled, my heart smiled....
My soul...still fragmented.
I carried a weight that made me less than what I should be.
I allowed it?
Did I ignore it?
All was under clouded memory anesthesia...
Until the day my father died.
With this blog I hope to heal. I hope to help other moms who may be struggling too or others going through the same thing. I have had many tragedies, trials, and struggles to share....but I know I will gain more victories. I have a GREAT HERO helping me. Allow me to share with you...and thank you for entering my mind and my life.
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