Discipline 101

I taught Pre K for 8 years...way before I had kids.  I was a really good Pre-K teacher.  I am not trying to toot my own horn, so to speak, but it is true.  I gave my ALL to teaching.  I put so much extra time into those kids...including my own money.  I loved all of them.  To this day...many are in college or high school and they still remember me!! Do you know how I know???  They are friends on my facebook.  lol  I was the Assistant Director at my school too.  I was the crazy, fun, creative teacher.  I decorated our room and painted murals to make it look like a Rainforest.  BUT  I could lay down the law, when I needed to.  So much so that teachers from the other ages and classrooms would send their kids to me, when they wouldn't listen to them.  I still have not figured out if it was because they respected me enough...cause we had so much fun that they listened to me....or if I just had that "look" down pat.  I had many kids that had been kicked out of tons of schools and then they came to my class.  At the end of the year, their parents were thanking me over and over for what I had done. 

When I became a parent I thought...this will be easy.  I mastered this as a teacher.  I have this down!  As a teacher, I rarely raised my voice, talked to the children at their eye level, always followed through, gave children choices in their discipline and still had fun with them.  So, child #1 came: Gwyneth.  I was not prepared for all her physical issues, but she was so smart and such a lovey.  She was an old soul.  She understood so much at such a young age.  She was talking..like big words at 9 months.  It was easy to talk to her and reason with her.  I had very little discipline problems with her.  I held to my word of only spanking when she ran into the street...or hurt me (like the day she slapped me in the face around 1...that never happened again).  I thought..."so much for the mommy curse my mom gave me."  I am sure you all know what that curse is...you know the one.."I hope your kids are worse than you were!"

Then came child #2: Logan.  WOW!  I don't know if it was because I was getting older or maybe the "mommy curse" finally kicked in, but she was difficult.  Even as an infant...she was a baby with an attitude.  In utero...she was VERY active.  She pooped in her amniotic fluid even, probably cause she was mad.  As an infant she would get so mad that I was not making enough milk.  My nipples were so bloody.  The lactation consultant and nurses would say...yes she is latched on right.  She would get so mad at me.  She wanted nothing to do with my milk at 3 1/2 months.  She said ENOUGH!  I couldn't starve her, so formula to the rescue.  I noticed early on she would get very mad, very easily.  She loved attention and was always looking for people to look at her, even as an infant, but she could turn it on and off like a faucet.  She was either really pissed off or super happy.  She was not nearly as even keel as Gwyneth was.  She even was picky about when she wanted to be loved on or not.  She would push you away, if not in the mood. 

Another thing I noticed about Logan was her fierce determination and resolve.  When she decided to do something, she did it.  Instantly.  She crawled at 9 months and was done with that at 10 months, so she decided to start walking.  It was like she was saying...ok mastered that...next.  Gwyneth loved crawling...she was very good at it and she was more like...if it isn't broke, why fix it?  So, she didn't walk until 15 months.  I was worried because Logan did not speak as early as Gwyn.  Then the day she turned 2 she went from speaking very few words to sentences all in one big leap..in one day really.  Potty training was so simple with her too.  Took us one weekend...we didn't even need to reward her like we did Gwyn.  Logan was not much into stickers or prizes...she loved those things...but she was either going to do it or not.  Those things would not change her mind.  She just decided to do it one day...and that was it.  It is rare that she has accidents.

As she got older and discipline started to come into play...I remember thinking...oh I have this down.  Same as Gwyneth...only spank if she hurts another or herself in an extreme way. Well...that did not last long.  Logan did not listen to reason.  Logan could care less what you had to say.  Time out?  Forget it!  So with my head hanging low I say this to you....
                                                                I       spanked          her....

 on several occasions and not for the reasons stated above. 

But guess what...to my disbelief...spankings didn't work.  She didn't even cry...even when my hand was stinging so hard I wanted to cry.  (and here is where some mommy guilt comes in)  All the spankings did was lower her self esteem and make her fear.  I realized this when one day I was sitting by her and I raised my arm to move it and she cringed like she thought I was going to hit her.  That was it for me!  My dad spanked me a lot and even made a wooden paddle for me ( which he never used on my brother).  He would also tease me by lifting his hand as if to slap me and then comb his hand through his hair.  I would cringe and he would laugh.  He thought it was funny.  I hated that fear feeling.  Now, I was seeing it in my own daughter.

TIME TO RE GROUP.

Think.  Think..,.,, THINK!!!

What would the great Teacher Nicolette have done???

So this is what we did...when she would scream and demand things, we would talk calmly and turn our backs on her.  We would physically turn our backs to her.  We said, "We don't listen to people who scream."  She did not like that.  She hated to be ignored or not noticed.  She would very quickly change her voice.  Another tactic would be to say.."we don't scream in this house, you can scream in your room (all said in a very monotone voice)."  I would have to hold her door shut for a few minutes.  Yes she would kick the door violenly and scream...but I held steadfast. If she didn't sit in time out, I would either hold her so she couldn't move, or tell her very nonchalant "ok that is 2 more minutes...keep it up I will give you 4 more minutes."  Sometimes I kept adding time until it was up to 10 minutes.  She learned quickly,,especially after sitting there for 10 minutes.

 It had become the battle of the wills.  When you get to that point with your child, you have pretty much already lost cause you are on her/his playing field.  Well, now we were on my playing field. I was very consistent....always followed through and started to give her choices.  She was almost three...so she seemed to be understanding more.  I would say, for example, "Logan you have a choice, you can scream at me and demand to wear your Minnie Mouse dress and I will not let you wear it or you can ask in a nice voice and I will let you wear it after breakfast.  BUT if you throw a fit I will not let you wear it.  What choice are you going to choose?  I hope you choose the right choice. If you don't choose then you will lose your choice and I will choose for you.  You will not like what I choose." See...my playing field.  The child responds to this because you are respecting them enough to ask them what they think.  They feel empowered and respected cause you are giving them choices in their discipline.  They think they are in control...and they are, in a sense, but you are calling the shots, ultimately. 

Logan's behavior really peaked bad right when she turned 3 it was the worst.  We kept trying to be consistent.  I did make a mistake here and there and would rarely spank her, but mostly we were doing ok.   Boy...let me tell you when she peaked...that was so hard to stay consistent! 

Then                 all of a sudden                              it stopped. 

Well, for the most part.  We still have our moments, but 90% improvement from before.  I share this with you to hopefully help you, encourage you, and to show you are not alone. 

I keep telling myself that Logan is a natural born leader.  I really believe that.  It is not about breaking the will or the spirit of a child.  That will only lead to low self esteem and later to destructive behavior...take it from me...that was me.  It is about directing them in the right way.  If you have a strong willed child, give them some responsibility around the house.  Maybe they just want to use the God given leadership they were born with a little more.  Let them help make breakfast or clean.  4-6 are perfect ages to let them start doing these things.

I am no longer teaching.  I retired a long time ago because I thought then as I do now, I can not give my all to my children and my class...one group would suffer.  I don't want either group to suffer.  I could not pick and will not pick.   I do see now why the Early Childhood degree was important.  I sure am still using it!  Please let me know if I can help you with any questions on discipline or behavior problems.  Maybe we can put our heads together to solve a problem.  I hope you guys comment on this one so we can help each other.  :)