Christmas Without Them

This was the first Christmas without my parents. When one is gone...it is hard, really hard, but when the second one passes it is worse. When one goes, you still have your other parent which seems to keep the memory of the first one alive. Part of them is still with you. When they are both gone, you tend to mourn the first one all over again. It is difficult. Even though I am 41 with my own family, I can't help feeling like an orphan. I think the enemy likes to put those thoughts in your mind. He want us to feel sorry for ourselves. When I get those thoughts, I try to remind myself that I am NOT an orphan. I had parents for a long time and now that they are gone, I still have a Father...my heavenly Father. When you have a relationship with God, it is a bit easier to think this way and it brings comfort. I feel bad for those who don't have that comfort or hope. I can't imagine how much more painful it is. What are the chances that both of my parents would get cancer and just a few years apart at such young ages? I can sit and feel sorry for myself, but I choose not too. Choose...choice...that is the key word. I had to make that choice. There are worse scenarios. I hear of little children who lose their parents at a young age, or those who were orphans from the start.  Or what about those kids who leave their parents because they have childhood cancer or something. I can't even imagine how painful that must be!  I had my father for 37 years and my mom 40+. Who am I to complain? We all have our issues and tragedies to overcome. I look at my friends...some have MAJOR financial issues that they just can't seem to get ahead. Some of my friends have marital issues and are hanging on by a thread or have thrown in the towel. Some of my friends have major addictions. My family has had our fair share of health issues. From my parents, to my daughter's health issues...it seems to never end. I have been dealing with some health issues myself. We all have stuff. I can choose to let it define me or depress me or I can choose to move forward with a positive attitude. Sometimes ( I know it sounds crazy), but I yell to the sky... "Ok.bring it!! What more can you do to me?? I am still here and still happy!" Yes, I have my moments...BELIEVE ME. I sometimes wonder if my positive perseverance is due to my personality, or my relationship with God, or my awesome support system of family and friends or all of that combined. This Christmas was hard. My mom and dad loved Christmas. My mom loved giving gifts year round. My father, loved playing with our toys or the grandkid's toys. My dad loved keeping Santa real and he would do creative things to make Santa real to us. I missed seeing them on Christmas, or just hearing their voices on the phone or getting a card or present in the mail from my mom. I tried not to allow myself to focus on what I missed. A thought that made me happy was thinking about what my parents might be experiencing. I believe they are in Heaven and if that is the case, their Christmas celebration must have been AMAZING! They got to see the man who was the baby we all celebrate. They are able to touch him, hug him, talk to him, and worship him with all five senses. That would pale in comparison to our Christmas celebration here for sure! Those thoughts make me happy and keep me going during a time of year where lose is so evident when you have experienced it. 

 " He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4 

Cancer, Cancer and more Cancer

It has been so long since I have posted on this blog. A recent creative writing class I am taking as part of my Fashion Design BFA has inspired me to write a bit here. My mom used to always say things happen in threes. I wished that wasn't true. My father in law died of unexpected and quick colon cancer in late 2009. He was young...way too young. 59 to be exact. 6 months later my father died of salivary gland cancer that he tried to fight for three years. Well, we didn't have much relief from the demon that is cancer. In late 2012 my mother got diagnosed with brain cancer and not just brain cancer but THE WORST FORM of brain cancer. In fact it is so bad that I found a doctors article on Glioblastoma and he stated it was a death sentence. Mom fought for a little over a year. In fact, she fought so much that she became bed bound Nov. 2013 until she pasted a week before this last Mother's Day, May 2014. Crazy huh? How much tragedy and death and cancer can one family take??? I might add that during my father's fight with cancer his father died and my mom's mom died and my mom's dad committed suicide. Nice. Yes I am a bit bitter, in a sense. Yes, it is not fair. On top of all this, my oldest has Spina Bifida. In fact before my mom passed, my daughter was hospitalized. (thanks for letting me rant) Well...I was angry. I may still be a bit angry. It was not fair. Life is not fair. As a Christian, I know God never promised us life would be fair, but I wish He would have. I try not to feel sorry for myself, but sometimes it creeps in. Sometimes I can't help to think that my 7 and 9 year old will never know their grandpas and my mom, their Tutu. Sometimes it kills me when my kids say they don't have a grandpa. I feel sorry for my children having to go through so many funerals at such a young age, especially my daughter who went through all that on top of dealing with her own issues with her special need. Although my relationship was not the best growing up with my mom and dad, as an adult it was better. I sometimes hear a little voice in my head (not like I am crazy) that says:"you are an orphan now." I try not to listen to this voice. As a Christian, I know this voice is not from God. Since as a Christian, I know God is my father. However, knowing and truly living this...is a bit hard when you lose your parents. When I do feel sorry for myself, then I quickly feel guilty for that. I mean...I had my parents into my 30s, some kid lose their parents at 15 or 8 or 4...some never meet their parents. I am so blessed in that regard. I am trying to still cope with all this...especially now that it is close to the holidays. I am not coping perfectly, but I am able to laugh again and smile. Most of the time I try to push it into the corners of my mind. I am going to counseling...although, maybe having a close good friend to talk to might do the same thing as a counselor, to be honest. God is good...still. I have to believe that. I WANT to believe that. I NEED to believe that. It is hard for me to think this life is the end and I will never see my parents again. That is really depressing. That is not a mind set I want to live in or even give energy too. I will see them again. So, if you remember, say a prayer for me, for us, my family. We have been through the ringer, but we are still going...and smiling.