Cancer, Cancer and more Cancer

It has been so long since I have posted on this blog. A recent creative writing class I am taking as part of my Fashion Design BFA has inspired me to write a bit here. My mom used to always say things happen in threes. I wished that wasn't true. My father in law died of unexpected and quick colon cancer in late 2009. He was young...way too young. 59 to be exact. 6 months later my father died of salivary gland cancer that he tried to fight for three years. Well, we didn't have much relief from the demon that is cancer. In late 2012 my mother got diagnosed with brain cancer and not just brain cancer but THE WORST FORM of brain cancer. In fact it is so bad that I found a doctors article on Glioblastoma and he stated it was a death sentence. Mom fought for a little over a year. In fact, she fought so much that she became bed bound Nov. 2013 until she pasted a week before this last Mother's Day, May 2014. Crazy huh? How much tragedy and death and cancer can one family take??? I might add that during my father's fight with cancer his father died and my mom's mom died and my mom's dad committed suicide. Nice. Yes I am a bit bitter, in a sense. Yes, it is not fair. On top of all this, my oldest has Spina Bifida. In fact before my mom passed, my daughter was hospitalized. (thanks for letting me rant) Well...I was angry. I may still be a bit angry. It was not fair. Life is not fair. As a Christian, I know God never promised us life would be fair, but I wish He would have. I try not to feel sorry for myself, but sometimes it creeps in. Sometimes I can't help to think that my 7 and 9 year old will never know their grandpas and my mom, their Tutu. Sometimes it kills me when my kids say they don't have a grandpa. I feel sorry for my children having to go through so many funerals at such a young age, especially my daughter who went through all that on top of dealing with her own issues with her special need. Although my relationship was not the best growing up with my mom and dad, as an adult it was better. I sometimes hear a little voice in my head (not like I am crazy) that says:"you are an orphan now." I try not to listen to this voice. As a Christian, I know this voice is not from God. Since as a Christian, I know God is my father. However, knowing and truly living this...is a bit hard when you lose your parents. When I do feel sorry for myself, then I quickly feel guilty for that. I mean...I had my parents into my 30s, some kid lose their parents at 15 or 8 or 4...some never meet their parents. I am so blessed in that regard. I am trying to still cope with all this...especially now that it is close to the holidays. I am not coping perfectly, but I am able to laugh again and smile. Most of the time I try to push it into the corners of my mind. I am going to counseling...although, maybe having a close good friend to talk to might do the same thing as a counselor, to be honest. God is good...still. I have to believe that. I WANT to believe that. I NEED to believe that. It is hard for me to think this life is the end and I will never see my parents again. That is really depressing. That is not a mind set I want to live in or even give energy too. I will see them again. So, if you remember, say a prayer for me, for us, my family. We have been through the ringer, but we are still going...and smiling.